Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
