I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
