God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
