please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
