Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize