Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
