the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
