So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
