your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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