Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
