Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
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