If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
