My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize