So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
