my mouth tastes like poor choices
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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