Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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