dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
