Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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