How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
