i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
