she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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