i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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