i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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