how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Randomize
