My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize