i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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