So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
