my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
