she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
