walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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