You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
