She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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