I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
