Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
