I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
