the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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