Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Randomize
