I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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