Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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