FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its not stalking. its research.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
