is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
