I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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