Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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