she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
