I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
