In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Someone signed my nipple.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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