I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
