I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I wish there were birth control emojis
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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