piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I understand Curling. That high.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
