I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Randomize
