Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize