TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
that may or may not have been my penis.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
