The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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