Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
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