are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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