If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
