Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
