Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
