Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
