I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
