What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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