so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
