Soap is not a condiment
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
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